After a hard, grueling 21 years in the fourth grade as a proud South Park Cow, Eric Cartman, thanks to his mother Ms. Liane Cartman, will be transferring to Woodrow Wilson High School to complete the 2023 school year. Reporters Roxy Kuper-Wilson and Daniella Steedle traveled to the small mountain town of South Park, Colorado, upon Eric’s request, to interview all of the very interested townsfolk about Cartman’s big move. 

When reporters arrived in South Park, they were directed to Eric Cartman’s alleged “bros 4 lyfe except Kahl”, consisting of Kyle Broflovski, Stan Marsh, and Kenny McCormick, to interview the boys regarding their opinions.

 Kyle Broflovski told reporters “Finally. Glad to see him leave.” Cartman followed Broflovski’s statement with remarks that are inappropriate for publishing.

“…Yeah, no one really likes him here…” stated Kenny McCormick between indistinguishable dialogue. 

Stan Marsh detailed, “I agree with Kenny. I mean, there’s going to be a lot less (ludicrous tomfoolery)… when he’s gone.” Eric Cartman took great offense to this statement, and thus requested for Wilson reporters to speak to other townsfolk.

“Aw man, I’ll miss you Eric!” Leopold “Butters” Stotch told reporters. Once Eric was out of earshot, the young boy relented, “I won’t miss that butthole. He’s mean and I’m glad he’s gone.”

We questioned Cartman’s teacher of 25 years, Mr. Garrison, who was, for one,  surprised about the news. Garrison sighed, “He’s leaving! Aw, good. Maybe the test scores will go up!”

After we traveled to South Park to assist Eric Cartman in saying his final goodbyes, it was time to introduce him to the Bruin lifestyle. 

Gallery • 8 Photos

Cartman goes for a tumble in the 3000 building